


A Place In The Sun

by thedesconocido



Series: Where I'm Coming From [2]
Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: Angst, Dysfunctional Family, F/M, Family Drama, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Multi, Slice of Life
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-20
Updated: 2020-09-20
Packaged: 2021-03-07 18:07:30
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,306
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26561884
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/thedesconocido/pseuds/thedesconocido
Summary: It's 2030, Minhyung's all grown up, and he's pushed to repair his relationship with his dying father -- Johnny.
Relationships: Mark Lee & Park Jisung (NCT), Mark Lee & Suh Youngho | Johnny, Moon Taeil/Suh Youngho | Johnny
Series: Where I'm Coming From [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1931782
Comments: 17
Kudos: 41





	A Place In The Sun

**Author's Note:**

> Title taken from Stevie Wonder's song (again) and story's inspired by two movies: Dear Ex & Big Fish. I wrote this in one day, being in my feelings and whatnot, and it kind of based on my own experience. I hope you like it.

His mom had called him earlier this morning, and the message was short.

_"Your dad's dying, you need to come home."_

Those words should rouse something within him, but it came up with nothing. So instead of giving an answer, he went on working, nailing the most important meeting of the decade (as Hendery would say), and even went drinking with his coworkers to celebrate. 

Or to simply put, he doesn't care about the news.

Now at 1 a.m., sober and fresh out of the shower, he finally gets to sit down and reads a new message from his mom. _Please come home. Just for one day._

He types a message (a no), but he contemplates it again, and types yes. But he doesn't send it in the end. He locks his phone instead, charges it, and puts it away on his nightstand.

Then he goes to bed.

&

Mark doesn't have many fond memories of his father or with his father.

The only memory that he could come up with, and probably most fond that he has of his father, is when they were waiting for Jisung's arrival in 2005. He had come up with a name for his brother which his father agreed to and it was the proudest moment in his childhood. He told everyone in school about it and to this day he admittedly has a soft spot for his brother.

(Even when that brat was a moody teenager.)

But that's probably the last time he'd shared anything meaningful with his father. Growing up, his father would act distant and keep things to himself, and would rarely talk to his children. He would only nod and give a short 'yes or no' whenever they were in a conversation, and Mark eventually gave up trying.

The longing and jealousy that he once felt whenever he saw his friends being picked up by their father in every basketball practice was soon replaced with anger -- and eventually, indifference. His mom was enough for him and Jisung.

So, to sum up, he didn't go through 'rebellious phase' or anything of some sort. Instead he studied hard and was a model student just so he could be accepted in a good university, and later on, a reputable company. He told himself he did all that for himself, for his brother Jisung so he could have someone to look up to and rely on, and maybe also for his mom. 

(But he knows, deep inside, it's actually to prove himself to his father; to feel enough.)

&

He wakes up with a start.

His phone's alarm is ringing that universally hated ringtone on the nightstand, so it means it's already 7 a.m. With a grunt, he crawls to get his phone and turns off the alarm. He sees there are five unread messages from Jisung.

_Hyung_

_I know mom has told u_

_Dad's dying_

_We should go home_

_Shouldn't we?_

He reads the message a couple of times and finally types, _Do u want to?_

Without waiting for a reply, he quickly goes to the bathroom and gets ready for work. Today's Friday, he's going to have a follow-up meeting with the stakeholders and everyone's relying on him. So he _needs_ to focus. He can't afford a distraction right now, especially not from or about his father.

His phone lights up again not long after, and it's Jisung, saying _I want to._

He quickly washes his face.

&

"...but it doesn't make sense, how do we expect them to repay their bills from this channel when they're mostly inactive? They faked their numbers. Mark, do you have any thoughts on this?"

Mark belatedly realizes that everyone's staring at him and he looks at Renjun, who's already glaring at him. He quickly straightens his posture.

"We can't use this channel. We should try to trace their contacts with other means and…"

Renjun continues to look at him as and even after he's talking. He knows it's his fault for being distracted so he quietly nods at Renjun to apologize and he receives one last look as a warning. _Focus._

When the meeting has ended, Renjun calls him. "Mark, I need you to stay for another discussion."

He takes a deep breath and nods before he goes back to sit down next to Renjun.

"Look--"

"Mark--"

He gestures to Renjun to talk first. He knows what's going to be discussed anyway.

"Mark, you seem to be so distracted today. Are you okay?"

"Hmm, well," he says, "I apologize for being distracted. But I'm fine. Just a bit tired, maybe. I guess."

Renjun's looking at him, and Mark secretly hates how it makes him feel. Renjun would look at you with an expression similar to pity and that's what he hates the most. He's fine, he's _always_ fine, he doesn't need pity or sympathy.

Feeling a bit aggravated, he clenches his hand in his pocket and grits his teeth. "Look, I'm sorry I was distracted. It won't happen again."

Renjun looks shocked and Mark's embarrassed to feel like he's a kid again. He'd always get so defensive whenever someone's showing him any type of sympathy or kindness. He never knows why.

"Yes, yes," Renjun quickly says, "okay. I apologize to have offended you. You can go back. Thank you."

Mark nods and quickly stands up, feeling a little bad inside for getting angry. Renjun's probably the nicest and the most caring employer to ever existed.

"Oh, Mark," Renjun says again, "if you need to take some days off, you're free to do so. I've noticed you haven't taken annual leave this year."

He nods, not saying anything, and leaves the meeting room.

Back at his desk, he quickly opens his message and types back a _Ok if u want to. We can go._ to Jisung. He will probably regret this hasty decision, but he can't say no to his brother. Not when Jisung spent his childhood and teenage years being angsty over their father.

"You okay?"

Hendery sits next to him with a cup of coffee in his hand, his face concerned. For someone who fools around a lot, Hendery actually looks really worried right now and Mark thinks it's funny. 

"You're laughing," Hendery says, "what's funny?"

Mark shakes his head no and continues to laugh loudly that it actually garners attention from people around them. Hendery looks even more concerned now, and Mark laughs louder.

"Mark, breathe," Hendery's panicked. "Mark, you're crying! Are you okay?"

He shakes his head no again even when he feels the tears flowing down his face, and as he looks up at Hendery's face again to laugh, he passes out.

&

He remembers the summer in 2006 when he was 7.

His friends were coming over and he was playing hide and seek with them when he stumbled upon a blue tin box in the attic. The tin box is hidden deep in a cardboard box labeled as "Johnny", his father's name, that he originally wanted to hide in. Being naturally curious, he opened the tin box and found some photos of a man that he had never seen before.

There were probably a dozen photos of this unknown man in various activities: playing guitar, eating, drinking, laughing, and even lying down on a sofa. He flipped one of the photos and found a handwriting.

_문태일_

It was written in hangul, that he sadly was not able to read (yet) despite being Korean, and took one of it before storing the rest back in the tin box. Later that night, when they were having dinner, he proudly showed the photo to his father who paled and quickly snatched the photo from his hand.

_"Where did you get this? Were you rummaging through my box in the attic?!"_

He was shocked, he didn't expect to get yelled at for showing the photo to his father. His mom quickly came to his rescue, telling his father that he was being ridiculous for getting angry, and the rest of the night was blurred from his memory.

To this day, he still doesn't know who that man was and why his father got so angry. He was trying to bond, to share _something_ with his father, but his father had been unreachable. 

(...and always will be.)

_"...he's crying again in his sleep. Is he okay? Does he have fever?"_

Mark slowly opens his eyes, adjusting his vision to the glaring lights above him. When he's fully awake, he notices that Hendery's on his right and Donghyuck's on his left. He groans as everything clears up.

"Oh you're finally awake! Are you okay? Do you need anything to drink?"

"M'kay," he mumbles, "what happened?"

"I don't know! You just passed out after laughing hysterically!"

 _Right_. He was thinking about Jisung and his father and he felt suffocated.

"Exhaustion, probably," he lies.

"Renjun has given you a week off," Donghyuck says, "you can take the time to rest and go back to work on the next, next Monday."

"But are you really okay now?" Hendery asks again, and Mark snorts. "Oh god don't laugh again, I'm traumatized."

"I'm okay," Mark says, "thanks. And Hyuck, tell Renjun I say thank you."

Donghyuck shrugs and Hendery focuses on Mark again.

"Let us know if you need anything," Hendery says, "I know we're only coworkers, colleagues, _whatever_. But you can consider us as your friends too."

Mark blinks, not used to seeing Hendery being so soft and caring like this. Donghyuck doesn't say anything too. This feels odd for him.

"Okay, we're going to leave now so you can rest. See you in a week."

After Hendery and Donghyuck are gone, he picks up his phone from the nightstand and types a quick message to Jisung.

_Come pick me up @Elizabeth Hospital. Don't ask questions._

&

Jisung arrives 20 minutes later, sweating and heaving from running. Mark feels a little bad to see his brother being so panicked seeing that he gave no context as to why he's in the hospital, but at the same time his heart soars to know that his brother cares so much about him. He smiles at Jisung who looks annoyed.

"I was so panicked," Jisung says, "you were mean for not telling me what happened. So what happened?"

"Exhaustion," Mark says, "I passed out at work."

"I've told you! You work too much and rest too little."

"Yes, yes," he laughs. "That's why Renjun's giving me a week off."

"Good, you deserve that."

Jisung's standing next to his bed and his hands are folded in front of his body, trying to look angry. It reminds Mark of the time when Jisung used to cling on him and follow him everywhere he went. Mark would feel annoyed, but he always relented whenever Jisung was making this face and gesture, and let him tag along.

"Help me up."

Mark gets up with the help of Jisung, who steadily holds him up, and proceeds to quickly pack up his belongings. He notices that his laptop is not here, and he figures it must have been Renjun's order. Perhaps, a week off could be really good for him.

When everything's packed, Jisung's already next to him, taking the bag and silently pushing him to the side as if telling him he got this.

"Don't get used to it," says Jisung.

Mark snorts and ruffles his brother's hair, to which Jisung grunts in response and slaps his hand away. But they both understand what they're actually trying to say: thank you and you're welcome.

"You can wait at the lobby while I go get the car."

He nods, quickly agreeing because he still feels the exhaustion in his bones, and sits on one of the metal stretchers when they're in the lobby. Jisung quickly goes to the parking lot and it takes around 10 minutes until he's back with his old Chevrolet Equinox and the window rolled down.

"Nice car," teases Mark, "and it reminds me I left my car at work."

"I'll go get your car later."

Mark looks at his brother, who's focused on driving, and he's hit with a sudden sense of nostalgia. "You're grown."

"I'm literally 25 now," Jisung says, rolling his eyes, "and stop acting like an old man. You're only 31."

He laughs tiredly and nods. They drive in silence, enjoying the evening sun and the breeze hitting on their face as they ride back to his place.

Jisung lives at the other side of town, in an apartment with his girlfriend, while Mark lives alone. Sometimes he would go and visit Jisung, and sometimes it's Jisung visiting him. But he rarely visits home. It probably has been five years since the last time he went home, he doesn't remember.

His mom has stopped asking him to go home, knowing that it would be futile, so he would bring his mom to his place instead. But now… his father's dying and he might have to come home for the last time.

"Hyung," Jisung says, "when are we going home?"

"I don't know," he says, "tomorrow?"

"Tomorrow sounds great, I'll tell Alyssa. She's coming too, by the way. Should we take your car or mine?"

"Mine."

"Great," Jisung says, and Mark notes he looks a little aggravated. "We should probably leave before lunch? So we can arrive at lunchtime."

Mark nods, agreeing, and the rest of the ride's spent in silence. The radio's playing an old tune, one that sounds familiar to his ear, and his mind flies back to the time he was a kid.

His father had a turntable, and he would play this specific vinyl record on every 14th. It was odd, but he never dared to ask. The only time he dared to speak was when he accidentally hummed to one of the songs and his father smiled at him.

_"I like this song, dad."_

_"Me too."_

He's brought back to the present when he feels the car stops. They're already in the parking lot of his building, and Jisung's looking at him, waiting. He shrugs.

"Hyung," Jisung says, "I know you don't want to come home, and I understand why, but this… is important for me. And I need you there."

Mark doesn't say anything, but he takes his brother's hand in his, and nods. He knows.

"Thank you for agreeing to come home."

"It's time for me to visit mom, anyway."

Jisung smiles, not saying another word.

&

Tomorrow comes a lot earlier than he wanted. His alarm's already ringing on the nightstand, and Jisung has sent him a message.

 _Omw with Alyssa_.

Sighing, he closes his eyes again, and wishes he could go back to sleep. Honestly, he doesn't want to come home. He doesn't want to see his father. What should he say to his father, anyway?

(Get well soon, dad, or hope you rest in peace, dad?)

He decides to get up from his bed and prepares breakfast for himself, Jisung, and Alyssa. He knows those two must have been in a hurry and haven't had breakfast. Jisung tends to skip everything when he's nervous or excited, after all. He knows his brother well.

So he prepares a simple breakfast: sourdough topped with avocado and scrambled eggs, and black coffee. Sitting down on the stool, he turns on the tv, and waits for his brother to arrive. Jisung arrives 10 minutes later, Alyssa's right behind him.

"Hi," says Mark, "eat first. I'll go take a shower and we can leave after."

"Oh, thank you, Mark. I haven't had breakfast because Jisung rushed me to get ready."

"I did not," Jisung says, "but anyway thank you, hyung."

He shrugs and leaves the two of them to take a shower. The hot water relaxes him, and the buzzing sound of Jisung and Alyssa's chatter become a background noise. He takes his time getting dressed, packing his clothes for a 2 nights stay, and when he's done, it's already 10 a.m.

There's a missed call from his mom and he texts back a _I'm coming with Jisung_ to finally give an answer. His mom's quick to give a reply, a heart emoji, and when he's out of his room with his bag, Jisung's already got his car key in his hand.

(He's _really_ going home, isn't he?)

&

They arrive at 1 p.m., the sun's unforgiving. Jisung and Alyssa are busy moving back and forth to take their bags out, while Mark stands before his childhood house, noting the changes done to the facade and the garden. There used to be garden gnomes in the front garden, but it's gone now, replaced with rocks. He also notes that the blue paint of his door is now changed to white. 

Despite that, it looks the same, and he remembers the time he used to run into the front door and calls this place his home.

"Do you need me to carry your bag?"

"Oh, no, thank you."

Jisung's staring at him, and he realizes he has been spacing out. He wills himself to walk inside and clutches the bag in his hand tighter.

Nothing's changed.

That's the first thing he notices from his childhood house. The sofa's the same, the pictures hanging on the wall are the same, and the turntable that his father used to play with is still there. It's playing that old familiar tune that his father used to play every 14th, and his mind races back to the old days again.

Without realizing, his mom's already downstairs to greet her children. He can hear his mom talking to Jisung and Alyssa, but his eyes are locked on the turntable.

"Minhyung, baby," he hears his mom say and his heart clenches painfully. "You're home."

He turns around and finds his mom's looking at him expectantly. This feels familiar, this feels okay. He puts his bag down and opens his arms.

"Hi, mom."

"Oh, Minhyung," she says, walking to him and pulling him into a hug. "We've missed you."

Mark's not sure what his mom meant with 'we', but he says nothing and pats her back. His mom let go to take a good look on him.

"I heard from Jisung you passed out at work yesterday?"

"Oh, yeah," he says, "but don't worry. It's nothing serious, I was just exhausted. Nothing a good rest couldn't fix."

"You should take it easy," she says, "I've prepared chicken soup for you. You kids go to the kitchen and eat, and don't forget to wash your hands first!"

Jisung's already in the kitchen, a bowl in his right hand and a spoon in his left. He winces when his mom nags at him for not washing his hands and Alyssa's laughing at him, and Mark realizes he misses this. Maybe, two nights in this house wouldn't be so bad?

He sits next to his mom, and mumbles a thank you when the bowl's being passed on to him. As they eat, his mom fills up another bowl, and Mark doesn't have to ask who's it for.

He accidentally bites his tongue.

&

Mark's just gotten out of shower when he sees the door to his parents' bedroom is wide open. The hidden staircase to the attic is also down, meaning someone has just been up there. He shivers at the tin box's memory.

"You should go see your dad," his mom says, and Mark jumps, startled. "Jisung and Alyssa are inside."

He hesitates, and looks back to the opened door.

"Just this once," his mom says again, "maybe for the last time."

He takes a deep breath and nods. _Fine_. Just this once, for the last time, and he doesn't have to say anything.

"Thank you, Minhyung."

His mom's smiling at him, and he doesn't understand how a good woman like his mom stays in love with someone like his father -- someone's quiet, reserved, and cold. He wants to ask, but the hopeful look his mom's giving him stops him, and he walks to his parents' bedroom instead. Jisung and Alyssa are talking to his father, who's lying weakly on the bed, and they stop to look at him.

His father looks pale, thin, and nothing like the person in his memory. The person in his memory, the father that he knows and remembers is tall, stoic, buff. He clenches his fist to calm down and sits across Jisung.

"Oh, dad," Jisung says, "I need to help mom in the kitchen and Alyssa needs to make a quick phone call for work. We'll talk again later, okay?"

His father nods, and Mark badly wants to smack Jisung for leaving him alone with his father. He knows this is a set up.

Left alone with his father, Mark says nothing and looks around to see his parents' bedroom. He doesn't have any special memories with this room, so he doesn't know if anything has changed.

"Minhyung," his father says weakly, and Mark remembers whom he's with right now. He hums, uncaring, and rubs his hands to distract himself.

"How are you?"

Mark wants to snort. Does he suddenly care now that he's dying? But he holds himself back and shrugs. "Good."

"You're grown."

"I'm 31," he says, and he realizes how ridiculous he was being when he told Jisung the same thing yesterday. "Of course I'm grown."

His father smiles. "I remember the day you were born, in 1999."

Mark doesn't say anything, just nodding, and lets his father say whatever he wants to say. He just wants to be out of here as soon as possible.

"Minhyung, please take the tin box on the nightstand next to you."

Mark startles and looks to his right. There's a tin box on top of it; but the box's not blue, it's black, and that's probably why he doesn't realize it's there in the first place. It's... different from what he remembers. He quickly takes the box and hands it to his father.

"I have something to tell you," he says, "I figured it's time I open the closet."

&

_1993_

Some people say, you should have your life figured out by the time you're 25 years old. At 25, you're old enough to live on your own, to get married, to have worked somewhere, or even to have your own business. But Johnny, at 23, is still an undergraduate student with no real job -- other than being a clerk in a music store or a cashier at McDonald's -- and a small business that's set to fail.

His friends are all set, at least that's what he gets from his observation, and one of his friends is even engaged.

To say he feels intimidated and left out is an understatement.

He would intentionally miss out on their hangouts and make up excuses, and hide in his studio apartment instead. It feels cowardly, but he can't keep seeing his friends and pretending that he's doing okay; that he's okay listening to his friends' achievements while he has none.

Right now he's sitting at Joe's, a newly opened coffee shop near his apartment, and a black coffee in his hand. He actually wants the chocolate croissant, but he really needs to save his money this month. 

So, seated near the window while sipping the bitter beverage and enjoying the scalding coffee in his mouth, he pretends his life's okay for a moment.

The bell above the door chimes repeatedly, signalling that people are walking into the shop, and Joe -- the owner -- would boisterously welcome each one of them. It reminds him of the summer vacation in Japan when he was 17 with his parents. Whenever you walk into a restaurant, they would greet and welcome you loudly, as if announcing to everyone that there's a new customer walking in.

But it's understandable, Joe's really packed with people at this hour, and Joe needs to make sure that everyone's being attended to. Johnny was lucky to get a seat himself. Usually when he'd come later, he'd order for takeaway instead and drink the coffee in his apartment because he doesn't usually like to share his table.

(It's just odd to share your personal space with a stranger and try to drink your coffee while secretly hoping for their departure as soon as possible.)

So, when someone taps his shoulder, Johnny's prepared to fake a smile and let whoever tapping him to share the table, because as much as he doesn't like to share, he's not that heartless either.

"Sorry, is the seat empty?"

Johnny turns around a little, and there's a guy smiling sweetly at him, holding a tray of coffee and two croissants. His heart stutters.

"Yeah."

&

"Turns out, he was prepared with two croissants as an offering to whoever he'd have to share a table with. He bought two: chocolate and almond. I picked the chocolate one, of course."

Mark nods, looking at the photo in his hand, and recalls the unknown man's face from his hazed memory. He once again reads the handwriting behind the photo, 문태일, and this time he understands what it reads. _Moon Taeil._

He looks up to his father, who's now smiling at him. "That's him, at Joe's."

"Who's he?"

"He was…"

&

_1994_

It's December, the street's filled with christmas decorations and christmas songs (only All I Want For Christmas Is You, honestly) are being played everywhere. Johnny quickly runs to Joe's, clenching his hands inside his coat because he forgot his mittens, and finds Taeil already sitting inside.

"Hi, sorry I'm late," says Johnny.

"Your nose is really red," Taeil says, "and I guess you forgot to bring your mittens?"

Johnny nods and picks up the cup of coffee, sipping and savoring the taste. Taeil shakes his head and pushes a plate of chocolate croissant to him.

"I figure you haven't eaten anything, too."

"Oh you're right, I haven't," he says, "you're an angel."

Taeil snorts. "Shut up."

They have been meeting up constantly for over a year now. Taeil has helped him with his thesis and even got him a job at a bank right after he graduated. His life has improved a lot from last year, and he has the courage to meet up with his friends again -- all thanks to Taeil.

Taeil is an auditor, has graduated early from Seoul, and has worked in the USA for two years. He's only a year older than Johnny, but he's already so accomplished. He's the perfect and almost literal definition of having your life figured out by the time you're 25. Despite that, he never makes Johnny feel small.

Instead, he would come over to Johnny's tiny apartment, spend hours there, and influence Johnny to listen to soul and r&b, and sometimes he would even drag Johnny to clubs and watch a guy named 'Maxwell' perform. He said, music could help you relax and you _should_ relax, because you're young and you won't be young forever.

For those obvious reasons, Johnny feels a _little_ too much in love with Taeil. That's why, for this christmas, he has prepared a gift and a confession for Taeil. He honestly doesn't know how it would go, but he's prepared for the worst while hoping for the best.

"I'm done," Johnny says, "let's go back to my apartment and watch cd."

"Okay, but I need you to walk in front of me."

Johnny raises his eyebrows. "You're not trying to kill me, are you?"

Taeil laughs. "No, it's just that I have a gift for you and I don't want you to see it before we arrive at your apartment."

Johnny shrugs, and they walk back to his apartment with Johnny in the front, and Taeil following closely behind. He could tell that Taeil was carrying something heavy, and he's excited for whatever he's about to receive, but he manages to not look back all the way to his place. When they arrive, Taeil tells him to go inside first and close his eyes so he could 'prepare' his gift.

Once done, he says, "Ok, you can open your eyes."

"Oh, you know, I almost fell asleep--"

Johnny sees a turntable, the same with one that he used to have back in Chicago, and opens his mouth wide in shock. "How?"

"You talked about this old turntable a lot, so I looked for it in an antique store. But it's still in good condition! I tested it before I purchased it, you see, so you could--"

"Taeil."

"Uh, yes?"

"Can I kiss you?"

Taeil looks at him in shock, and Johnny's prepared for the worst, but the rejection never comes. Instead, Taeil walks over to where he stands.

"I thought you'd never ask."

&

"So he was… your boyfriend?"

His father nods. He's shuffling through the photos of Taeil, who's apparently his ex-boyfriend, and Mark doesn't dare to interrupt. The turntable, the one he claimed to be his most prized possession, turns out to be a gift from Taeil.

"Does mom know about this?"

"She didn't, at first," he says, "but even the least suspicious person like your mom would eventually ask, you know? I mean, weren't you suspicious of me too, Minhyung?"

Mark doesn't give an answer, but his father already knows. "So she asked me one night, when you were still little."

&

_2006_

"What was that, Johnny?"

Johnny stays mum, clutching the photo that his son showed him at dinner. It's a photo of Taeil, one that he took in the summer of 1996, back when they were still happily and peacefully together. Taeil's playing guitar in the photo, and he remembers he was singing D'Angelo's.

When Minhyung showed him the photo, he was shocked and panicked, so he didn't think twice to yell at his innocent son. He knows he should apologize to him.

"I'm sorry," he says, "I was surprised, is all."

His wife's looking at him, contemplating, and Johnny knows what's coming to him.

"Who's he?"

"A friend," Johnny says, lying. "A good friend, also my roommate."

"Please tell me the truth, Johnny," his wife says, pleading. "You wouldn't be that angry if it was only your good friend."

Johnny could feel himself sweating; he feels nervous and anxious. His mind races back to when his parents showed up at his apartment in 1997 unannounced and uninvited, and he could only stand before them with his head down, he had no word to defend himself after getting caught having sex with Taeil on their couch. His father looked at him with disgust, his mother looked so disappointed at him, and Taeil -- he couldn't help him.

(And standing before his wife, being asked about Taeil feels a lot like that memory from 1997.)

"I'm sorry," he says, "I'm sorry. Wendy, please don't tell my parents."

"Johnny," he doesn't know when his wife's holding his hand but she's there, "Johnny, please breathe. I won't tell your parents. Johnny, look at me."

He looks at his wife, his vision blurred with tears, and his hands are shaking. "I'm sorry."

"Oh, Johnny."

His wife hugs him all night, offering him love, offering him support, and for the first time… he feels a genuine love forming for his wife, Wendy.

&

"Your mom's probably the most understanding and open-minded person I've ever met. That night I told her about Taeil, about our relationship, about your grandparents finding out, and about why they pushed me to marry your mom."

His father takes one photo out of the tin box, and it's of his mom, wearing a sundress and straw hat from their vacation in Hawaii back in 2008.

_My wife, Wendy._

"She was so young and sweet when we first met. A choir girl, shy, and dutiful daughter. But she was pretty different once we're married, if you know--"

"Oookay," Mark says, and for the first time that day, he genuinely smiles at his father. "I don't need to know the other side of mom."

His father laughs weakly. "I do love your mom, Minhyung."

Mark looks at his father and doesn't ask anything.

&

_1996_

Taeil's sprawled on the couch, a pile of letters on top of the coffee table with Stevie Wonder playing in the background, and he's holding one letter with a photo attached to it. It's a photo of a baby, and the letter's in Korean, a language that he's not really fluent in despite being one. 

(Taeil always nags him for it and teaches him the language, saying that he should preserve his culture and tradition despite living far, far away.)

"What's that," asks Johnny, kissing the top of Taeil's head. "A baby?"

"Yeah, my friend just had a baby. Isn't he cute?"

Johnny nods slowly, and Taeil playfully punches his chest. "I know you don't like kids."

"Well," he says, "I have to admit they look cute. But they're so high maintenance! I can't imagine taking care of one. I'm kind of happy that we can't have kids."

Taeil stops in his track and Johnny winces. He shouldn't have said that. He knows how Taeil has always wanted to have kids, and how sad he has been some nights because he knows it would be difficult for him to have one.

"I'm sorry, I didn't mean it that way."

"It's okay," he says, "I know what you mean."

Taeil looks so sad, and he puts down the letter he's holding. Johnny feels like shit.

"Maybe one day we could have a baby, too."

Taeil snorts and Johnny cracks up a smile. "Yeah? What would their name be?"

"I don't know, Johnny Jr., Jeffrey, Juliet?"

"You are so westernized," Taeil laughs. "If one day I have a baby I would name them with a Korean name, no matter where I am in the world. They should be proud of where they come from."

"Okay, Mr. Korea," teases Johnny, "so it will be mini Moon Taeil."

Taeil looks at him, smiling, and they both know it could not happen to them… at least not in the near future.

&

His father's shuffling through the old photos again, and finds a photo of himself as a baby. The photo's a little crumpled and faded.

"I used to carry your photo in my wallet," he says, "you were a really cute baby."

Mark takes the photo from his father to see the baby version of himself, smiling to the camera, his cheeks chubby. He was probably two or three years old when this photo was taken.

"I had to hold you and try to keep my hands off frame because you would cry if I wasn't there."

His father looks at him, and Mark has a lot of questions, because not once in his 31 years of living has he truly felt being loved by his father. But before he can ask anything, his mom's knocking on the door, holding a tray of food.

"Sorry to interrupt boys," his mom says, "but it's time for dinner."

"Oh, okay," says Mark, "I'll… talk to you again tomorrow?"

His father nods, and as he walks out to go downstairs, he sees his mom gently holding his father's face.

&

Jisung and Alyssa are already in the kitchen, setting the table. Sitting down, he looks at the variety of food being laid out on the table, which happens to be his favorites, and he looks up to question Jisung.

"It's mom, not me."

There's a variety of Korean food, the spicy ones, and a lot of grilled meat. He remembers back when he was still a teenager, he'd go out with the other Korean kids, and they'd teach him the 'proper' table manner. His father never did, but he realizes it's probably just his father being as clueless as he was about his identity.

"How did it go with dad?"

Mark looks at his brother, recalling the past few hours spent with his father upstairs, and he shrugs. "It was alright."

"Mom's really happy you come home, hyung."

"Yeah," he says, "it's alright here. What did you talk about with dad, anyway?"

"Oh," Jisung says, smiling. "I was planning to tell you after dinner but, Alyssa and I, we're getting married. I talked to dad about it and he feels sorry that he probably couldn't make it to our wedding… but anyway… he knows, and he's happy for us."

Mark looks at his brother with wide eyes. "For real? Congratulations!"

His brother's smiling, looking happy, and he feels happy for him too. Because for someone who was always so sad and lonely, Jisung has grown up to be a great person, and he deserves this happiness and more.

"You have told your brother?"

Mark turns around to see his mom, fetching a jug of water and medicine on the table for his father, and Jisung nods shyly, holding Alyssa's hand. 

"Yes," he says, "I'm so happy that I get to share this with dad, too."

Suddenly, Mark feels sad. Jisung and him, they have never shared anything with their father until he's on his deathbed. It feels unfair.

As he watches his mom and his brother, he feels the tears are threatening to fall and he can't understand why.

"Uh, I need bathroom."

He rushes to the bathroom, locks the door, and turns on the faucet. As he sits down on the toilet, he recalls the series of events from yesterday and today. 

Today has been eventful for him: his father sharing his past, Jisung's announcement, and generally being in this house.

(He means, just a few days ago, he wouldn't be able to imagine being here, surrounded by his past.)

But he's here, he's _really_ here, and he wants to cry. He just found out his father's gay, his father only felt love for his mom a few years after their marriage, and yet there's one thing left he doesn't know. So without thinking twice, he rushes out of the bathroom and runs upstairs, and opens the door to his parents' bedroom. He doesn't care that his mom and his brother are following right behind him.

Behind the door, his father's still awake, waiting for his mom to come back and help him eat, and he looks shocked to see Mark at the door instead, with tears running down his face.

"Minhyung, are you alright?"

"Tell me," he says, his voice cracking. "Did you, do you… have you ever cared about me and Jisung?!"

"Minhyung," he says, "of course. I care about you and Jisung a lot. You are my son."

"Don't lie!" Mark walks further into the room, not caring that his mom's holding his hand to stop him. "You were never there for us. You were never there for me! Do you have any idea what you put us through?!"

He heaves, crying, and his father only looks at him.

"I'm sorry," is all he says.

&

_1999_

Johnny looks at his son, squirming in the baby crib, and it feels surreal. Just a few years ago he couldn't imagine taking care of a baby, and yet here he is today, helping his wife to feed their son.

Carefully, he holds his son up, making sure to support the head, and sits down at the pink armchair. Struggling not to jostle his son, he stretches his left hand to take the bottle from the nightstand on his right and starts to feed the baby.

His son is tiny, his face's round, and there's a trace of baby hair on his head. Everything about his son is soft, small, _fragile_. He's afraid of accidentally hurting the baby if he's not careful.

"Minhyung," he whispers, "do you know who I am?"

He looks at his son's round eyes, and he feels a wave of sadness. "I'm your dad," he says, still whispering, "but I don't feel worthy to be one. To be your dad."

His son blinks his eyes, still suckling on the nipple, and he whispers again, "I hope you're okay with me, tiny buddy. Sorry you can't have someone better as your dad."

"What are you two talking about?"

His wife's at the door, smiling at him, and he's flustered. "Nothing," he says, "it's a, a secret."

His wife laughs, walks closer to where he is, and bends over to kiss the top of their son's head. "Thank you for helping me feed Minhyung. Do you like it?"

Johnny looks down to his son again, and he nods. "It's not as scary as I thought it would be."

&

_2003_

Johnny arrives home at 5 p.m., to the laughter of his wife and his son. He was just at Joe's, meeting Taeil for the last time, and he knows he doesn't look good right now. Quietly, he sneaks up to the stairs, hoping to get unnoticed, but his son's quick to catch him.

"Daddy!"

He sighs and puts on a fake smile. "Minhyung," he says, "what are you doing with mommy?"

"Singing and dancing, daddy come here too!"

"Daddy's tired," he says, "is it okay if you play only with mommy today?"

His son looks at him with sad eyes, and he feels bad, but he really needs time to be alone. "We'll play together tomorrow, okay?"

 _I'm sorry_ , is what he wants to say, _sorry that I'm not worthy to be a dad_ , but he says none of it and leaves his son to go upstairs, hiding and wallowing in self-hatred and pity.

&

"I'm sorry," his father says, "I'm really sorry to make you think I don't care about you. I do, I really do, I just--"

"All this time," Mark says, "all this time I was left in the dark, not knowing what you really feel about us. You never showed up to any of our games, to any milestones, you were always absent. And all, all because you felt not worthy?"

His father doesn't reply, and Mark rubs his face. "You could have asked, you could have been there, and you would know… you would know _Minhyung_ loved and adored his dad so much."

"I'm sorry."

Mark looks at his father, weak in his bed, and he stands up. "I'll go to bed, good night."

(And Mark doesn't see that his father has started crying, too.)

&

_2000_

His son is 7 months old, and he has just said his first word. _Da-da_.

They were eating breakfast, with Johnny reading the newspaper, and his wife playing with his son who's seated on the highchair. Suddenly, his son looked up to him, and said the word.

"Da-da."

He drops the newspaper he's reading and his wife squeals in surprise. "Minhyung?"

"Da-da!"

His eyes widen in shock, and he feels lightheaded. He gets a mixed feeling, if he could be honest, but he genuinely feels mostly happy right now.

"Minhyung?"

"Da-da!"

He laughs, feeling his eyes wet with tears, and he picks up his son before he spins him around. "I love you," he says, "Dada loves you."

&

**_Epilogue: Present, 6 months later_ **

"Welcome to Joe's! Order your cup of coffee and our specials today!"

Mark walks into the coffee shop that his dad used to frequent, but he notes that this time the bell's electric, and Joe's boisterous voice is recorded. The place is a lot different than from when Taeil's photo was taken back in the 90s, and he wonders what his dad would think if he visits this place again today.

He goes to the counter, orders a cup of black coffee and two croissants -- one chocolate, one almond -- and takes his seat near the window.

"Hi dad," he says, putting down a photo of his dad and Taeil at Joe's in front of him.

The two of them were smiling at the camera, his dad was even grinning, and he feels himself smiling too. "I hope you're happy, dad. Wherever you are right now."

( _I love you too, dad._ )

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for reading ❤


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